It seems that every other day there is a story in the papers regarding a piece of odious legislation or rhetoric emerging from our incumbent government. It also appears that 90% of it is aimed at creating more suffering for all but the very rich. The Conservatives, in particular, appear to be hell bent on inflicting pain upon the masses to the extent that one has to question whether they even realise they are playing with the lives of people instead of animals, not that animals should be treated this appallingly either. With this analogy in mind allow me to draw your attention to “Bottomface’s Top 5 Political Predators”.
At number 5 we have (sorry arachnophobes) duh, duh, duh the tarantula. Don’t worry, I’m not about to say that your average Tory has 8 hairy legs, two faces perhaps, but as far as I know, only two legs. They are, however, like tarantulas in that they are slow and patient hunters. The Conservatives were pushed out of power for 13 years by the previous Labour administration and over the course of this period they managed to maintain a show of non-evil. So much so that when Mumsnet had the opportunity to question David Cameron they felt the need to ask him which biscuits he likes, rather than whether he was evil, and hated women, the NHS, young people, education and the working class. As an aside, I do think the fact that he said Oatcakes, rather than chocolate covered hob nobs, was a bit of a hint that there was something seriously questionable about the man. Oh what a falling off was this! Animal.discovery.com describes tarantulas thus “tarantulas are able to quickly subdue their prey and crush them with their large fangs. Finally, they shower their victim’s body with digestive juices and then lap up the resulting fluid. “ Well if that doesn’t sound like austerity I don’t know what does! On which note I would like to rename our Chancellor of the Exchequer George Octoborne because, despite my early promises, I am claiming he is an 8 legged little bastard (allegedly).
At number 4 we have mosquitos. Now some of these little critters give you a nip, steal a little bit of your life source, and leave an irritating itch which drives you fucking insane and just won’t shut the fuck up and you can never understand why anybody listens to them in the first place, let alone keeps giving them a podium to keep saying the same inane crap!!! Sorry prematurely moved onto discussing Louise Mensch then. Ahem, anyway, so yes, whilst some of them are just extremely frustrating, like the aforementioned, some are far more dangerous. Some carry malaria and are responsible for an alarming number of deaths each year- rather like our very own Iain Duncan Smith. May I draw your attention yet again to the fact that over 1000 people died in an 8 month period last year after being found fit for work. Yes, Iain Duncan Smith’s policies really are political malaria. Speaking of which- have you signed Pat’s petition , calling for an end to all this horrible behaviour, yet? Hopefully it will give you the same sense of satisfaction as managing to swat a mosquito with a rolled up paper.
At number 3 The Grey Wolf. These fluffy little balls of hell like to Hunt (boom, boom) in packs. Now, I’m not going to cast aspersions about our new Health Secretary, because I’m just not like that, but he wasn’t exactly being a lone wolf when he sent these emails to News Corp. was he? No, one could be quite forgiven for believing that our little “untouchable” was quite the fan of dodgy collusions. For instance, one could ponder whether, for instance, if Cameron was surprised by the revelations of Hunt’s dodgy dealings over BSkyB, he might have fired him instead of allowing an aide to take the blame, and one could also be forgiven for thinking he certainly wouldn’t have promoted him. But alas, as with the grey wolves, when you’re in with the in crowd you can eat whoever the heck you want!
At number 2 the Eastern Brown Snake. Sounds innocuous, looks rather bland but actually incredibly toxic, rather like our own Pob impersonator, Michael Gove. They’re also incredibly fast-moving. So fast-moving in fact, it could probably undo over 20 years of educational progress in just two years! But the similarities don’t end there, oh no, because wherever Gove goes you also hear hissing, though admittedly it is everybody else making the noise between boos.
Finally in the Top Spot at number 1 and also, unfortunately, at Number 10 The Great White Shark. They have a tendency to take a great big chunk out of you at the beginning, let you suffer, bleed and weaken for a while then finish you off with a single blow; with Cameron’s recent reshuffle one has to question how long it will be before it is time to abandon all hope. In the words of police chief Martin C. Brody, with Milliband as shadow leader, despite the rhetoric of his recent speech, we’re “gonna need a bigger boat!”